(Source: thebachelorsparty)

449,799 notes

egg-rolls:

one time i got a sample from the tea store at the mall and as i walked away the guy said “tea you later” and then his coworker smacked him

608,777 notes

subarufag:

why did 6 wanna fuck 7

cuz 7 8 ass

73,250 notes

hipster-trichster:

2makeyewsmile:

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.  Officer: Don’t have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can’t do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

that was a wild ride

hipster-trichster:

2makeyewsmile:

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

that was a wild ride

447,043 notes

aisforarthur:

The first time Arthur saw Buster naked in all of his glory, he didn’t know what to say. Light shone from his glorious, muscular body and Buster spoke with a slow, captivating voice - not unlike Morgan Freeman - and he said thus, “Is 10 inches too much? I just don’t know if Muffy will be able to handle it.” Arthur could not respond, for he was engrossed and hypnotized by his best friend’s perfect, almost unreal body. Was this love? Was this lust? 

aisforarthur:

The first time Arthur saw Buster naked in all of his glory, he didn’t know what to say. Light shone from his glorious, muscular body and Buster spoke with a slow, captivating voice - not unlike Morgan Freeman - and he said thus, “Is 10 inches too much? I just don’t know if Muffy will be able to handle it.” Arthur could not respond, for he was engrossed and hypnotized by his best friend’s perfect, almost unreal body. Was this love? Was this lust? 

286 notes

msjewbooty:

imamazinglyonfire:

msjewbooty:

microinfinity:

northrn:

lampsarepeopletoo:

msjewbooty:

the word gay is actually an acronym

god

actually doesn’t mind if

you’re gay

god

accepts

you

god

always

yugoslavia

gandalf 

ate

yoda 

stop adding your own acronyms to this it was beautiful and now it’s not

God 

Actually doesn’t mind if we add acronyms because 

yolo

im going to vomit on you

375,116 notes

mightyflower:

to quote hamlet act III scene iii line 92, “no”

674,904 notes

r0wdyruff:

help me, i am trapped

in a haiku factory

save me, before they

(Source: litlpup)

360,588 notes

poupon:

drakensberg:

The reading comprehension and overall common sense on this website is piss poor.

how dare you say we piss on the poor

454,703 notes

apocalypsex:

im laughing so hard this is genius 

apocalypsex:

im laughing so hard this is genius 

415,067 notes